Thank You

November 23, 2016

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1.I may not show it as often as you would like me to, but I really do appreciate all that you have done and continue to still do for me. Though your ways of showing your care might be unorthodox, I do recognize it. I am thankful to have such a wonderful, strong, and kind-hearted person like you in my life. Your love goes unmatched, and I could never trade a life being anybody else but yours. I love you!

2.So, we don’t always get along – everyone knows this. We bump heads like two bulls fighting. Our differences limit our peace together, but I’m glad we are able to spend quality time through little moments that mean a whole lot to me. I enjoy our moments of silence and on-the-floor laughters. Yes, we’re not always on the same page, but I know you love me, and I hope you know how much I do love and respect you. Your hard work and support do not go unnoticed. I love you!

3.I doubt you a lot. I don’t always believe you. And I don’t always acknowledge some of the things you say and do.. just because the majority of the time I think I know you can do and become better in situations that challenge you. These are all crappy, but one thing about you that I do love is that I can trust you with pretty much anything. Trust does not come easy nowadays, and I thank God for blessing me with someone I can always count on regardless of any circumstances. I love you & I love us!

4.I can’t help but to smile and laugh when I think about you and where we are now. I can’t help but to be excited for what I like to say the “Beautiful Comeback.” I can’t help but to just, be in awe. I am so glad you are back in my life. And I hope you’re as glad and excited as I am for me to be back in yours, because it has been a while my “dear dear friend.” Thank you for not giving up on yourself, because I really can’t imagine a life without you. So, thank you for returning back into my life at a time where a light like yours was most needed in my life. You make me feel like “I’m back,” and I can’t tell you how much that means to me. I missed you. I missed us. And I’ve never really said it, but know that I absolutely love you.

Oh, and thank you for keeping up with me through all these erratic ups & downs. I know it has been quite difficult and confusing between the two of us, but know that I could only be doing this with you & no one else. So, thank you for keeping up with my shit. As you already know, I’ll be keeping up with yours too. Love you!

5.I am thankful for you. Thankful that you opened my eyes at the most inconvenient of times; thankful that you momentarily defeated me. I am thankful that you made my life a huge giant question mark. You terrified me, but I overcame the obstacles you threw. You were a kryptonite – you made me weak. You were also the thing to strengthen me; you helped me realize that I could and should never settle for practicality. I could and should never compromise with myself. So thank you. Thank you for showing me lust, love, anger, and hope. Thank you for forcing me to feel what I was hiding for years. Thank you. Thank you.

6.Thank you for always being there for me. I know in the past years I wasn’t always there for you when you needed me, but I’m glad I was able to explain myself as to why I couldn’t. I really do appreciate you. I’m thankful to know someone that knows everything about me. You’re always very accepting of my decisions and everything that I do, I honestly can’t thank you enough for it. Hoping we’ll be in each other’s lives for a very very long time!

7.Where do I even begin. I just want to say how much of an impact you have made in my life, first of all. We have so many shared stories, so many beautiful memories, and so many unforgettable moments. You have given me a thing I still have yet been able to articulate and explain – it’s all the good and all the bad that have brought me here today. You really were something special. We had a bond that was unlike anything else, and it is something that cannot be replaced, even if I wanted to. Your humor uplifts me, your kindness inspires me, your compassion moves me. I hope you continue being the person I learned to adore and love. I wish you the happiness I failed to provide, the support I couldn’t give, the trust you couldn’t find. I wish you the things you weren’t able to grasp in the past years, so from here I say to you, how thankful I am for welcoming me into your life and allowing me to experience a love I wanted to love. Thank you, for all the best and the worst, the beautiful and the ugly, the firsts and the last. My PB, you will forever be a part of me. How lucky I am to have known somebody that was so hard to say goodbye to.

My Moon River.

 

Panza & Pepper,

How fortunate I am to have my Lover as my Bestfriend.

Thank You:

Thank You

November 28, 2013
____________________________

1. Though at times it seems almost as if you don’t try to do better or become a better figure, I know you do. I know you try despite the stubbornness you sometimes portray as an indication of authority. And I understand that sometimes you have to say “no”, or you have to be more stern, and be more authoritative,
And that is something I still have to learn to understand after how many years of rejecting your ways of caring. I probably will never understand your perspectives on life, but I will never shun the very fact that you love me so. With that said, Thank you. & I love you!!

2. You are a tough one. You have always been one of the most challenging person in my life. I don’t know if that is a good or bad thing, but I will never give up on you. I may ignore, avoid, hide and bury subjects and matters that need to be discussed with you, and I know I shouldn’t do that, but it’s overwhelming trying to understand and change the minds of a rock. But like I said, I won’t give up on you. And I know you won’t give up on me. I know you will never give up on me. I just know it. And through all the bullshit I put you through sometimes, Thank you so much for always being there regardless of my shitty attitude I have towards you. I love you!

3. I obviously love you! I have nothing much to say but to appreciate your lame ways of being considerate and all that weird things that you do. Nothing will ever change my mind about you….Because there’s no need to change something that’s already forever set in stones. You will forever be my one and only S.
Thank you for conveniently always being there for me. If that even made sense.

4. I cannot even begin the gratitude I have towards you. It honestly is so overwhelming for me to even try to understand how much I love you. You have been nothing but help in my life; you were always there when I needed you- with the random, late night venting sessions, or venting texts, or whatever things that would help me get through unwanted situations, you were there. You were there then, and I only hope you will forever be there later. I truly am blessed to have you in my life. And again, no words will ever be perfect enough to describe the love and appreciation I have for you. You, truly are a gift. And never have I been so surprised by a gift already unwrapped, made especially for me. I love you so damn much.
Thank you for helping me unravel the best part about love.

5. Honestly, there’s not much to say. You’re my best friend. I know you already know even without having me say or declare anything. We have our bumping head moments, but we get it. We get each other. We understand each other, & it’s not awkward to directly confront one another. And that’s how I know you’re my best friend. We just get things. And that is something that is very hard to come by nowadays. With that, I Thank you. I thank you for being a best friend of “unspoken years.” HAHA!

6. Thank you. Thank you for things you’ll probably never know. Thank you for years of laughter. Thank you for never abandoning me even through all the struggles I put you through. Thank you for never once doubting me. Thank you for always putting me first, and never for once, last. Thank you for giving me the confidence I needed. Thank you for the years of comfort, and thank you for your constant love. I hope one day, you will find someone who loves you as much and more than you can ever fathom. And I hope she is everything that you are, and I hope, truly truly hope, that the love you‘ll give, will be the love you get.
Thank you for everything. You truly are a fighter.

7. !!!! -______-; I don’t even know what to say. I barely even see you. And we barely even talk. But somehow, we’re always just so cool together [considering already how crazy I am, and how incredibly awkward you are]. Thank you for helping me through what is known to be one of the most difficult things I had to do this year. Heck, ever. Your shit talking to me is always refreshing and needed. And I cannot thank you enough for your loyalty. You are one my closest closest closest friends whom I hold very dearly. Seriously dude, Thank you. Hugs*

8. Thank you for happening. You are the one thing I wished had never happened. But it did. I am not pleased by the my past actions, but I am no longer in control of what already is. I don’t want to thank you for what I did. But I guess I can thank life for the failure of my actions. But a simple question so life-changing, threatened my beliefs, and THAT made me realize how unhappy I was. And I am not proud of what I did, but I guess I have you to thank, to help me realize exactly what it is that I want. And as a result to everything thing that happened, I have more than what I want. I have what I need.
And as much as I seriously do not want to thank you, thank you.
Thank you for being a valuable lesson.

9. Thank you for the years of friendship. Though it is not pure and honest, it is still valued to me. I love and care for you so much more than you think. And I think I underestimated myself by thinking I somehow could live without you, but clearly, I cannot. You are so smart, so beautiful, so funny, and so geeky, and I wished you see that in yourself. I wish you quit comparing yourself to those around you because you have everything you need to become the woman you wish to become. I wished you understood that the things that fail in your life are the things that are supposed to challenge you as a person, to not only be a victim to their mistakes, but also yours. Those are key factors in bettering your shaky relationships with those you’ve always doubted. We may not have the best of friendship, but I know that the years of growing up together, is stronger than the crap we are and will have to go through. I’m not always good to you, and you to me, but at the end of this tedious yet relevant journey of the pit of our friendship, I still value you. And I hope you never doubt that.

10. Thank you for holding my hands when there was no one else to hold. Thank you for showing me the light with your smiles just at the break of dawn of my defeat. Thank you for your guidance and gentle care.
I promise you from the bottom of my heart that I will take care and love you like I’ve never before. I promise you that when those beautiful hands first rest on my mine, I will cherish the warmth, and remember the hope it gave me when I was at my most fickle state. You are everything I never thought I would wish for, and I thank God everyday since, for the glimpse of your beautiful embrace. And I thank God everyday, for blessing me with the man who will help me find you. I love you beyond love itself.
The both of you.

11. There’s no one greater than You.
I genuinely am so thankful to have You in my life.
Wherever life takes me, I know You are there guiding me;
Helping me; Loving me.
With everything I have put You through,
Thank You, for Your unconditional Love.
Thank You for never leaving me.

❤+

Michael P. Leite,

Perhaps,

perhaps I do miss my Best friend.

8 Years.

“I remember what you told me before you went out on your own:
‘Sometimes to keep it together, we got to leave it alone.’” – The Eagles [Wasted Time]

A Secret Thank You.

November 12, 2012

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1. Thank you for being there despite of my random aggravation and anger I have toward you when you fail to take me seriously. At the end of the day you are you, and I’m happy that you’re in my life. I love you. Thank you.

2. Thank you for being a provider. We both know you can work to become a better one, and I know we argue countless times about this particular matter, but nonetheless, you still provide, and if it weren’t for your provision, Sissy & I would be malnourished. I love you. Thank you.

3. Thank you for never leaving me in the fluctuating hell hole ride we never asked to experience. I’m just so glad we had and will always have each other when life decides to give us another lemon to squeeze. You’re the bestest. My appreciation I have towards you is endless and will never be enough. I love you. Thank you.

4. Thank you for loving me the way you do. I know I can be the most frustrating person to deal with sometimes, but hey, you always pull through. It’s not easy to try and understand even 50% of me, but you try, and as much as I hate to admit the following confession, I need to be poked 90% of the time so that I can be “free” from my thoughts, and you do it just right. And because of that, I love you. Thank you.

5. Thank you for being my reliable go-to person. You and I both know we are not the friendliest people, especially when we are in our melancholy state, but for some reason, we get each other when no one else seem to, and that truly is a blessing because if it weren’t for you, to be frank, I don’t know who else to run to. I know I’m the least affectionate person, but I’m truly and genuinely grateful to have you as my friend. Thank you.

6. Thank you for entering my life at the right time. Some may disagree, but I cannot stress enough how absolutely happy I am to have met you. You might think I’m a b*tch for doing what I had done, even after what happened, but you & I are so well connected that you know we most definitely WILL remain buddies! Keep making me laugh and keep lending me your solid ears, por favor! Thank you.

7. Thank you for being the perfect stranger. We’ve known each other for a while now, and I hope this friendship of ours will only grow for many more years. You’ve proven me that good people with good intentions still exist, even from a distance. Thank you for picking up my emergency calls and still having the audacity to make fun of me when I’m all about the waterworks. Thank you.

8. Thank you guys for giving me a tangible motivation. I know I hated it at first, but it became something that I just loved instantly- oxymoronic. You both have always been the most considerate people I know, and I am beyond blessed to have ya’ll in my life. My motivation could not have been given from better people than you guys. I love you both. Thank you.

9. Thank you for teaching me a valuable lesson in trust and betrayal. I would have never in a fleeting second imagined that you, of all people, would hurt me the way you did. Thank you for teaching me that even a human being could fall as deep as the fallen angels. I know I may sound cruel and unforgiving, but you don’t deserve even a fragment of my kindness. You, you are a curse in disguise, a blessing in the end; if it weren’t for you, I would have never realized that people like you actually live. Thank you.

“I just want to be thankful. Even if it means to be awfully cruel about it, at least I’m telling the truth. You should be thankful for my honesty.”

 

The In Between.

**This blog post was inspired by my boyfriend’s newborn nephew, Daniel, and my visit to Indonesia to see and be with my Opa [Grandfather] who was ill then, and recently passed away on December 27th, 2011. I wrote this on October 2, 2011 in Jakarta, Indonesia.

October 2, 2011

11:45 AM

“I know I was born and I know that I’ll die…The in between is mine.”- Eddie Vedder

One of life’s magnifying, most breathtaking moment is when a child is born; when a fetus becomes a human being; breathing, crying, moving, living. But every beginning always has an ending. And one of life’s most terrifying and painful moments is death. When that born child grows old, lived the in between, to their last, final breath, how can we possibly comprehend something as inexplicable as the tragic of one’s death? We all know we will one day die. We don’t know when, we won’t know how, and we don’t know why, but somewhere along our limited lives, we will pass away….and in that given time, in that given second, in that given moment, a beautiful, precious, perfect baby is born.

As incredibly happy or saddening these life changing moments are, none can possibly compare to the moments that took place amid the two points of one’s life. For me, what makes a “great death” is one who lived a great life. I am not one to judge who deserves to be great or not, however I have been delightedly honored to have been blessed with such incredible people in MY life. Great people. I am only 19 years old, but I have seen enough to understand how the world works, how people can be, and the system of life. I have seen passion, patience, understanding, pressure, faith, wasted time, the trust worthy, the faithful, the faithless, happiness, sorrow, lovers, love, a new born child, someone’s death.  We are all given a moment in between to live. Every second is a blessing for the next is not guaranteed. How we choose to live our lives is probably THEE most important decision anyone ever has to make. The “in between” shapes us as a person. Our morals and principle are not constructed in the beginning, but there, in the middle. We do not build our character at the end, but there, in between. We die as the people we are recognized to be to others the time between our first and last breath. There are approximately 490,000 babies born every day worldwide and about 200-250,000 people die each day. The 250,000 people who die each day are the past who will lead the 490,000 new born babies to the future. Just like a domino effect, each individual affects one another; some noticeably, some in a subtle way. I don’t know if I have affected a person’s life, but if I did, I sure hope it was for the good. People come and go, and the ones that have affected my life in some way stay with me forever- even if death has taken over them. And that, to me, is my definition of a “great person”. It doesn’t matter if they have passed away. If they have left a valuable impression in your heart and mind, they are those who have lived. This reminds me of a quote by Mark Twain, “Let us live so that when we come to die, even the undertaker will be sorry.” The joy a newborn baby gives is as compelling and influential as the silence of a person’s death. Life truly is a beautiful tragedy. And as influential as the beginning and the end are, nothing is as powerful as the life lived in the thick of these two points of one’s life. We were never given a choice to be born, and we were never given the power to have eternal life on earth, but the one decision we do have can create a new horizon for people to see and remember, and that is the decision of how we should live our lives till our death. You may not remember the beginning, and you may not know your ending, but in the midst of those two points lie what is rightfully yours- the in between.

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Opa, you have lived your in between, and you sure have inspired many people in your life. I know that because many people wanted to speak and share to those who came to your memorial service in Indonesia of how loving of a person you were to them and others. You are my inspiration to live my life with care and love no matter the circumstances.  My favorite quote is the one I had mentioned above by Mark Twain, and I’am more than honored to finally and personally know a man who has lived up to that quote. You were and still are such an influential man and I hope you left this world knowing that you will forever be loved by the many people you have touched. Sleep well, Opa. Until we all meet again.  I love you.❤

 

A Child’s Faith

November 21, 2011
9:01 AM

I am no photographer, though I love taking pictures of every little thing and being on this planet. I am not a connoisseur of photography, however I see the minute details that make a captured moment a perfect photograph; a memory, a reminder.

Not too long ago, I have been told/reminded that I or young adults/adults
in general should learn how to be like children again. Children have a special gift far more richer than the richest of the rich of this world- and that is Faith. Not only do they possess one of thee most difficult Theological Virtues, they own all three: Faith, Hope, and Love. Children are perfect examples of these three character qualities that adults often “reject” in their lives. As we grow older, for some odd reason, we begin to lose our faith in things and people- consequently extinguishing all the hope we once had, and with that, we begin to become oblivious and lose all meanings of what love really is. These three things are easy to lose, but crucial to gain back. It is not easy to live life without faith,  because with faith, comes not only hope and love, but also trust. I understood the person who told me to be like the children of endless faith, but it never hit me until I captured a moment of a girl playing with her little brother who the following days later [after the picture was taken] turned one. They were children in Bali that I happen to grow exceptionally close to- and I love them like I love my own sister. The little girl’s laughter was a beautiful melody to my ears because it manifested with nothing but pureness, and the smile of the little boy was a smile of thousand adjectives. Though the moment I captured does not display a smile or a laughter, it still reveals to me, the ineffable pureness of children; that inexplicable childhood moment you can clearly see in their glittering eyes. This candid moment, when I called their names for their attention, took-my-breath-away. Every time I look at this photo, it inspires me to be like the children of faith as I continue to grow older. To always believe even when the world whispers otherwise. I don’t want to lose my faith; I want to be like the little girl who laughs without a single hint of fear of tomorrow, and the boy whose smile destroys all worries of this world. It is so important that we become like little children, that it is even written in the Bible (Matthew 18:3).

And so here I am, inspired by a moment captured from my camera of two little children I desire to become.
A child of infinite faith.

Together Apart.

I wouldn’t really classify myself as one of those “mushy” people once in a relationship, but I’m about to be mushy right now [HAHA]. I miss Mister Novio, also known as *drum roll*, Michael Patrick Leite. I really do. I’ve realized that we’ve spent most of our time together apart. Before we….”took it to the next level“, we were friends. Good friends. Close friends; We were “homies”, per se. Anyway, we basically started off while he was living in Brazil and I, of course, in California. We don’t really have an official “when-I-asked-you-out-date“, but we do have that “one day” that changed everything from A to Z; December 22nd, 2010. We’ve been friends since 2006- from acquaintances to awkward friends, to buddies, to close friends, to good friends, to TOO close and to TOO good of friends, and NOW..not only is he my Novio [boyfriend], he’s also my Best friend with a capital B. And I’m not saying that just because he’s mi Novio, oke? He really is my Best friend. Anyway, back to this distance shenanigan; He was in Brazil and I was in the Golden State when we started. He came back at the end of March, and not a full five months of being physically in each other’s presence, I go to Indonesia for four months & counting down*. I’m going back to California on the 12th of December, and on January 2012, he might possibly move to the biggest state in the United States of America; Texas. Yep. I mean, Texas is not as far as Brazil or Indonesia, but still- he’s not going to be as physically reachable as he was in Banning. As much as I absolutely love being near him, I actually don’t mind the distance. I take this distance challenge as an experience for the both of us. Of course at times or most of the time it sucks being away in a different country or state, but that quote, “Distance makes the heart grow fonder.” is the honest truth. At the end of the day, when things get tough, ask yourself [if you’re in a long distance relationship], “Is this really worth it?” Though our fights and arguments through electronic devices can be beyond overwhelming, without a doubt, I know he is worth every single drop of sweaty effort. He truly is.

….And going back to the distance, I thank it for making my life with Michael Patrick Leite just THAT much more interesting.